Unzipped

I NEED HELP!!  To say that, takes a lot for me...and I mean "A LOT!!"  Recently I went to a great friend and coworker and looked at him and said, "Hey bro, I don't know what to say, but I need your help."  He asked me how he could help me and I replied, "well...(long pause), I don't know."  Have you ever felt that way before?  Deep down in the core of your being you desperately want help, but at the same time you don't know how to ask for it or what you need help for?

When I drove home I asked my wife, "what's going on...it's not like I'm mad at God.  I know my anger is not based upon Him or what he has done."  Then you get these people that try to help that say, "Well, you just got to keep your eyes on God and not people."  Ok, sounds nice and fuzzy, but there is one problem...I'm surrounded by people 24/7 and when I'm not around others, I'm around myself and I'm one of them--there is no escape.  So, what seems like good advice kind of sucks and isn't really logical. 

Soooo, I'm gonna put it out there...as part of my "therapy" I'm going to write my story.  For the first time I'm ever I'm gonna put it all out there--unzipped and uncut.  The good, the bad, and the ugly mixed with joy, successes, and life changers.  I'm going to talk about everything from things that happened to me as a child that shaped me subconsciously as a person, what caused me to go into pastoring, falling from pastoring, depression, science, psychology, parenting, and why I believe many of the doctrines in the religious tradition I'm in are completely ridiculous and actually cause more hurt rather than healing...and that isn't even half (I need help right now with this ridiculously long sentence).  It is going to be uncut and expose the "behind the scenes" of church leadership, but also expose the hurt that I never dealt with--raped as a child, death, watching marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, and suicide.  I need to get this OUT or I may die of spontaneous combustion. 

Here is where I need help:
(1) I suck at proofreading and my English isn't that great.  I need somebody who has some writing skills that can help me tweek my writings.  I want to write in conversational form and not be some academic or scholarly work.  Sometimes I tend to be a little pedantic.
(2) I need a group of open minded people to keep me accountable and get this out.  I've had tons of people say I needed to write my life story, but I've never done it...I tend to start things and not finish.  I need some encouragers to keep me going and write from the heart, even when they disagree with some (or maybe even all) of my beliefs :)
(3) I need people to challenge me to keep pushing when I'm to tired to push.  I need people to help me share their stories, their beliefs and unbeliefs, etc.  I need some honest people to get honest with. 
(4) I need some people to pray for me...not to be the person you want me to be, but who God designed me to be.  I know I've started praying for people and asking God to make them into this and that and I like, "Wait a second...I'm asking God to turn them into what I think they should be...I think he already knows...DANG IT!!!"  

Could you help me with this?  Whether it turns into a published book, an ebook, or a bunch of random thoughts, I think this is a way for me to get out everything that is trapped within.  I think it will help my healing, and I believe...I know it can help others who have been through similar events.  It may take me a long time, but I want to at least give this a shot.   The last thing I want it to be is a "been there done that" book--I hate when people say that...it is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Everybody's story is unique and nobody has been where you've been, but where you've been can help somebody where they are, and where you are could help somebody who is lonely where they are feel comforted.  You are not alone!!!  I think I will call it "unzipped, my life exposed."  The last thing I want this to be is a book of advice...it will be a book that says, "hey, you're not alone here...I'm still figuring this thing out too."  The best advice I ever got was while I in training for coaching.  The instructer said, "People don't need advice.  They already know the answer, they just need somebody to pull it out of them."

Reinvent = Resurrection

reinvent |ˌrē-inˈvent|
verb [ trans. ]
change (something) so much that it appears to be entirely new.

This isn't the word you want to come face to face with while staring down the pipe at 39 years old.  I've thought about all the people I've come into contact with over the last 15 years that lost their jobs...people that worked at the same place for 25 years and then--boom--the place shuts down, relocates, or "restructures" and their position is eliminated.  I've always pushed for change, championed change, and ripped on people for not changing, but now I'm finding it very taxing, emotionally.  It becomes especially difficult when you identify with something for so long (even if you don't like it) to reinvent yourself to become something entirely new.

Even though I never fit into the identity of what a  "pastor"  is supposed to be, disagreed with many of the procedures, and hated going to the long, boring, ridiculously redundant board meetings...it had become who I was.  It's like the person that hates working on the assembly line, but had been doing it for so long that if you took him away from it, he wouldn't know what to complain about anymore...know what I mean?  I confess...it's tough!!  I'm glad I'm out of it, but at the same time my natural instinct is to run back to what I'm familiar with. 

Then I asked myself a question...is the story of the Bible about "running back to familiarity" or better yet, is it about, "finding yourself."  I've heard a lot of people say, as well as give me advice, stating; "you just need to find yourself."  Really, really...is that what it is about?!  The old fable says that we are lost and what we need is to be found...isn't that what the song "Amazing Grace" is about?  Isn't that the story of the prodigal son...he was lost and then found...or is it?  To be found is not to take responsibility, but shift if to somebody else.  I'm lost, but it is up to somebody else...God in particular, to find me.  Sounds like the game "hide and seek" that I used to play when I was a kid. 

When Adam and Eve went and hid, yes, God came looking for them and when he did find them he asked them a question.  The question was directed at them taking responsibility for their actions.  They never did.  God basically told Abram, "Go get lost--leave your familiarity."  Jacob when he left and fled for his life, it wasn't to be found because if he was found he would have been killed.  Ishmael and his mother Hagar, really had it bad--they were sent packing to roam in a desert (see Genesis 21)

Genesis 21:14 Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba.

It seems to be a common theme throughout the text, and I've notice a common theme in my life.  It's like, "What the hell did I do...now I wandering again.  What's the point?"  Walking from wandering gets old, and the older you get, wandering becomes scary.  It's scary because we are supposed to have found "purpose" at this point in our lives.  Can you imagine being Abram and by the time you get to retirement age your life gets thrown into chaos and doesn't make any sense anymore.  Damn man, I'm almost 40...this is when I should start taking off.  I've done the hard work of the 20's and 30's, put in the time, got the experience, now this?!?!?!   Maybe just maybe, I had it all backwards.  I read this quote from an unknown author: "Life isn't about finding yourself.  Life is about creating yourself."

Adam had a chance to reinvent himself and become something new.  Abram was intentionally put on some crazy odyssey in order to reinvent who he was, reinvent his family...and eventually birth a nation from it.  Jacob had to reinvent himself because his "deceiver/liar" self wasn't working out to good...it had become very familiar.  Even Jesus of Nazareth, had to reinvent himself.  This reinvention is called, "resurrection."  That is one teaching (one of the few left) I cling on to is the idea of resurrection.  I have a chance to reinvent who I am.  Maybe I've intentionally been lost in order to reinvent who I am.  Maybe being lost isn't so bad...ask the prodigal son.  If he was never lost then he would have never reinvented himself, got up off his butt, took some responsibility, and did something to change his current situation.  It's so hard...I'm not gonna lie...it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  I know there are a lot of people out there that have lost their jobs and are facing one of two things--reinvent or fall into a deep dark depression...I feel you.  I know for a fact that there are pastors out there that are just playing the part, even though they don't buy into all the political bs that goes on, but feel like they can't leave because they don't have any idea what they would do with their lives or how they would provide for their families--been there...it's a scary, scary place.  Maybe God is calling you to go get lost and reinvent yourself.  I know I have bitterness in my heart and some anger, but at the same time, for the first time...I understand people much better--their hurt, their sufferings, their lost-ness.  I now believe Jesus didn't come to save you from your lost-ness, but to enter into your lost-ness with you.  He will wander with you through the "Desert of Beersheba." He did with Ishmael.  He will even die with you in your lost-ness, so that you can "reinvent" who you are and become something totally new.  

Lech Lecha!

 

Turning Point

I'm not real sure the proper way to begin a blog, but by saying..."hi."  As selfish as this sounds, I've lived "in my head the last few weeks."  I've had multiple phone calls asking multiple questions that created a multiplicity of emotions.  I'm still trying to process all of these questions that evoked all kinds of emotions within. Check out some of these questions...I'm sure you've been asked the same thing or something similar:

• Do you still believe the same?
• Do you still believe in salvation?
• Do you believe in the devil?
• Do you believe that Jesus died for your sins?
• Do you believe that you must have faith to be saved?
• Do you believe in demons, heaven, hell, etc...?
• Do you believe...

The questions were all "do you still believe," or "do you believe."  I did voice my "beliefs" and "unbeliefs" to a dear friend whom I trust, but to the others who asked, I just looked at them with a blank stare.  I wanted to know the motive of their questions.  Honestly, I was afraid to answer because of the onslaught that may come from it...I know, I know...I was probably assuming the worse, but what is the point?  I understand that beliefs catoragize people groups and departmentalize organizations, but does it also determine relationships?  I also understand that "beliefs" can determine employment status...especially in ministry.  I don't argue that.  A "belief" is an acceptance that something is true...it is what unifies organizations, but is it the unifying factor in relationships? 

What if I said "yes" to only a couple of the questions asked above...or maybe only one...what if I didn't say "yes", but "no."  How would you feel about me?  Now, now...don't assume anything at this point because I haven't answered any of them.  I'm merely asking a question to answer the question.  If I don't say "yes", will you still listen to what I have to say?

Next time you ask a question, think before you ask and ask yourself, "If I don't get the answer I want, will I listen and allow them to ask me questions as well.  Can I still be in relationship with them regardless of their answer."  Can you walk with somebody whose beliefs differ from you, and learn from each other? 

As I wrestle out the many questions and emotions that are passing before my eyes, I reflect on this song by Killswitch Engage. 

In these days that pass before me
There was an anxious feeling that would hold me down
Tearing me inside
Bleeding my spirit

This is the turning point, the rising of the tide
No fear inside
This is the change that takes the suffering away
No more wasting time

Face the pain that suffocates
As the past returns to torment me
Wallow in my scars
Save me before I break

This is the turning point, the rising of the tide
No fear inside
This is the change that takes the suffering away
No more wasting time

Find the strength to maintain
Give me, give me a reason to believe
Search for truth that will not change
Give me, give me a reason to believe

Find the strength to maintain
Search for truth that will not change 

 

Peace my fellow travelers...Lech Lecha!!